Dr. Trina’s Point: Give it up guys…sex isn’t all about you.
Brian, do you remember the Woody Allen movie where on a split screen, Mia Farrow says to her psychiatrist, "He constantly wants sex—three times a week." On the adjacent screen Woody Allen says, "We hardly ever have sex—three times a week?"
I believe women do want sex as much as men. The challenge, though, is that it has to be memorable sex.
If any of you men are wondering why your gal isn’t as enthused about sex as you it’s probably because…are you ready? The sex is all about you, not her. Women would like sex to have a beginning, middle and end.
Instead, she gets the all-about-the-man sex—you clutch and grab her three hot spots, she hopefully has an orgasm and if not, oh well, there’s always next time, and then it’s on to you (finally!!!). After a few months of that old and tired routine other things bring more stimulation, like reading a romance novel.
It’s not rocket science Brian. Estrogen is far more powerful on female sexual desire than testosterone could ever hope to be. Think of when a woman is having her horny day. Heaven help the husband if he doesn’t pull through on a booty-call.
Men have two to 20 times more testosterone than women, but this does not mean men have 20 times the sex drive. A higher level of testosterone is needed for male sexual desire than for women.
And the thing that kills me Brian is guys get all wigged out if the gal is sexually assertive. Tracy Cox in her book Hot Sex writes, "These days, it’s just as likely to be her ripping off your suit and you’re complaining you’re too tired. And as women become more comfortable with sex, men are becoming less secure."
Hmmm. Let’s think about this. Men say they want an equal and active partner and when it happens his little head goes into hiding.
Most women see sex as emotional connection time. When she doesn’t feel that emotional connection because sex is only about having an orgasm, sex becomes one more thing on her to-do list.
Bottom line Brian: In order for women to want sex more, men have to give us a reason to have sex more. Stop making the sex all about you.
Dr. Brian’s Counterpoint: Let’s get on the same schedule.
Trina, I agree that many women have equal or stronger sex drives than us men, but many do not. Here’s the proof. Research shows that 30 percent of women suffer from lack of desire. In fact, it’s the number one reason you chicks aren’t getting busy in the bedroom. By the way, only 14 percent of men suffer from it.
A recent ELLE/MSNBC.com survey found that 66 percent of men in a relationship said they want more sex compared to only 25 percent of women. And, men are more likely than women to be very disappointed with the amount of body contact they get in their relationship.
During one of my presentations, a teenage boy once asked, "Is it true that guys think about sex over 30 times per day and girls only think about it once per day?" For a teenage boy this is most likely true, but is it true for adults?
I’d have to agree that many men do think (or at least talk) about sex daily. And, men are easily distracted by the slight chance they might get some. If you rub up against a guy’s tender region while in the kitchen, he’s likely to bend you over the table. Do the same thing to a woman and you’ll get whacked with a rolling pin.
And you’re right Trina, some guys only care about releasing their little soldiers. But many men will flick the ticker till their playmate has had triple digit Oh’s. Well, more likely one-to-one, but who’s counting?
Men also turn to some umm…one hand reading material to release tension. If there is one thing that should prove that men are hornier, it’s that we jack much more than you jill. Studies repeatedly show that about 25 percent more men than women engage in solo sex.
So Trina, here’s my bottom line. Men and women have to work together to find a level of sexual frequency that works for both of them. Try to work towards a bedroom compromise. Scheduling sex together also works for a number of couples.
Don’t concern yourself with quantity. A-once-a-week-jolly-ole’-romp is better than a routine starfish lay three times per week.
Don’t make sex a routine, try new things and take turns initiating—your sex life will improve drastically.
Dr. Brian Parker is a sexologist and sex educator and the creator of two sexual intimacy board games "Embrace" and "Pillow Talk". The games are available on his website, www.foreverpleasure.com which features original erotic art, high-end sensual products and adult sex education.
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and Trina Read is the founder of VivaXO.com.
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